Difficult Conversations – Avoid or Confront

Getting things done well. Giving a critical review. Saying no to someone. Disagreeing with majority.

These are just some of the difficult conversations that I have attempted or avoided at work.

These topics are difficult to discuss for many of us because of the discomfort and awkwardness not limited to the topic but for those involved. I believe that anytime we feel vulnerable or when self-esteem is involved, when the issues at stake are important and the outcome uncertain, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there is potential for us to experience such difficult conversations.

As middle managers, we all have conversations that we dread and find unpleasant, that we avoid or face up to be like some bad medicine:

The tasks I am working on is taking too long to get started but the rest of the team is still dragging their heals. I feel that we can’t afford to waste any more time, but I have to tell them.

I came to find out that one of the teachers left my team for reasons which differ what I was told. We still meet at work and it makes both of us feel awkward.

Many things have been said by some colleagues but nothing has been done. I feel infuriated, but currently I am not sure if talking about it would accomplish anything.

And, of course, these are also everyday things where conversations are more ordinary, but also cause anxiety: telling colleagues to complete tasks on time, asking for reviews.

All these are interactions I am practicing over and over in my head, trying to figure out in advance what to say and wondering afterwards what I should have said.

But what makes these so hard to face? My first thought is the fear of the consequence – whether to raise the issue or avoid it. And why do I have such fear? Well, I came to see that it is because at some level I know the truth. If I avoid the problem, I feel taken advantage of, the feelings are not good and will wonder why don’t I stand up for myself and there is the missed opportunity to improve things especially for our students. But if I confront the problem, things might get even worse. There may be rejection or attacks in ways that was not intended and the relationship among colleagues suffer.

So, will being tactful, being pleasant help? Well, my experience tells me that tact is good but it is not the answer to difficult conversations. And keeping it to myself is no better. What I now believe to be more important is to work on having more of such conversations, on making these conversations with others less stressful and more productive – through realistic talks while treating others with decency and integrity. In this way, there is a peace of mind, whether or not others join in!