Difficult Conversations – Avoid or Confront

Getting things done well. Giving a critical review. Saying no to someone. Disagreeing with majority.

These are just some of the difficult conversations that I have attempted or avoided at work.

These topics are difficult to discuss for many of us because of the discomfort and awkwardness not limited to the topic but for those involved. I believe that anytime we feel vulnerable or when self-esteem is involved, when the issues at stake are important and the outcome uncertain, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there is potential for us to experience such difficult conversations.

As middle managers, we all have conversations that we dread and find unpleasant, that we avoid or face up to be like some bad medicine:

The tasks I am working on is taking too long to get started but the rest of the team is still dragging their heals. I feel that we can’t afford to waste any more time, but I have to tell them.

I came to find out that one of the teachers left my team for reasons which differ what I was told. We still meet at work and it makes both of us feel awkward.

Many things have been said by some colleagues but nothing has been done. I feel infuriated, but currently I am not sure if talking about it would accomplish anything.

And, of course, these are also everyday things where conversations are more ordinary, but also cause anxiety: telling colleagues to complete tasks on time, asking for reviews.

All these are interactions I am practicing over and over in my head, trying to figure out in advance what to say and wondering afterwards what I should have said.

But what makes these so hard to face? My first thought is the fear of the consequence – whether to raise the issue or avoid it. And why do I have such fear? Well, I came to see that it is because at some level I know the truth. If I avoid the problem, I feel taken advantage of, the feelings are not good and will wonder why don’t I stand up for myself and there is the missed opportunity to improve things especially for our students. But if I confront the problem, things might get even worse. There may be rejection or attacks in ways that was not intended and the relationship among colleagues suffer.

So, will being tactful, being pleasant help? Well, my experience tells me that tact is good but it is not the answer to difficult conversations. And keeping it to myself is no better. What I now believe to be more important is to work on having more of such conversations, on making these conversations with others less stressful and more productive – through realistic talks while treating others with decency and integrity. In this way, there is a peace of mind, whether or not others join in!

My Thoughts about LEAD Program

Not all encounters in interviews have ended up being successful. Last week, I have had such an encounter. I came to find missed opportunities, mistakes I made in the choices of discussion topics which after the interview I came to regret. Today, I spend some time identifying and reflecting on the “mock” interview experience. I decided to engage in this exercise not to rewrite what had already happened or to wallow in blame, but to learn something important from the “mock” interview.

In retrospect, I came to realize that I have neglected to use important information that I had discussed with my school leader and through my own reflections. That is to clearly define my leadership – in terms of demonstrating my leadership, what exactly am I doing? My focus of leadership has been to develop and release potential and talents of my teachers. I need to articulate the type of relationship I as a middle manager has been developing with my teachers and how that relationship might differ from other management style with reviews of my actions to determine how well I have lived up to the values. This area of being my teachers’ people developer adequately captures what I believe is the essence of my leadership. What has enabled me to do this? The answer lies in looking at my leadership from the perspective of my character rather than tactics – in order words, looking beyond what I do and see who I am. I relied on values, one of which is restraint. This is a habit of the mind and action, and it has helped me in my leadership journey in a responsible, effective ways. If anything, the value of restraint seemed ordinary. But this is, in fact, I feel the source of its value. Sometimes, I see my fellow middle managers in situations in which their instinctive reaction is to call a spade a spade. But I believe that such individuals are just venting their immediate thoughts and feelings without really thinking. I personally believe that taking a forceful stand may not be the way out of a problem or can make matters worse, so I restrain myself. I need to be patient and self-discipline – pausing and waiting to give my teachers time to learn, drill down into complexities and nudge events in the right direction. I do not see life as a classroom in which the smartest kids are the ones whose hands shoot up first. I try to separate sound instincts from strong impulses. Even when I think something is clearly wrong or mistaken, I try, if possible, to pause, look around, listen and learn. Sometimes a strong reaction is a moment of insight; sometimes it is a bias or misunderstanding. Habits of patience and restraint may just give me enough time to tell the two apart – something which I am doing now.

This reflection is an example of how I paused, identify the leadership area which I truly believe in, think about and learn from my “mock interview” experience so that I will resolve to express myself in future.

My Thoughts about Discipline

Discipline is to instill self-discipline in students, and discipline students when they misbehavior. Though there may be no one cause for misbehavior. I came to believe from experience and readings that one of the causes for misbehavior is the result of the thinking of the student. Student’s actions merely reflect his thoughts. I feel that one of the integral parts of the discipline process is instruction, by teaching students to think about the soundness of what they want, relative to how they presently perceive what they are getting and to how they are attempting to accomplish their goals as it relates to the norms about behavior signaled through the school rules and code of conduct.

Currently, most of my school programs are designed to control the actions of students, with very little thinking involved. Students names are called during assembly, they are told to stand for a specific amount of time, and they are often scolded. When these efforts fail, the students are given detention or suspension for a specific amount of time from school, and the students are assumed to return to class or school, somehow they have learnt to behave in accordance school rules and code of conduct. What is your experience with such process of discipline? Does it work?

I am more incline to believe that we cannot control the students’ behavior. Trying to control students by only rewarding or punishing them does not instill self-discipline – but rather teaches the students to manipulate and try to “cheat” the system. Trying to control the students also does another thing – irritates them. And the more the students are irritated, the angrier they get, leading to serious and intentional misbehavior. At the present moment, punishment seemed to be the only means of correction for our students, which I feel may not be sufficient.

Hence, I believe that in addition to punishment, we can help to develop self-disciplined students by teaching them to think responsibly for themselves. And the only way for teachers to help students do this is by asking questions.

My ideal school is one where our students feel a strong sense of belonging and ownership to the school, supported by conducive school climate for learning where students have been given the opportunity to learn the necessary social skills so that they can think and so act responsibly. This is what a good discipline program should have.

Just a Few Good Things

Today, I read a fable and it reminded me of what one of my school leaders reminded us during the school management meeting yesterday on communication. It also led me to reflect and learn about the need to focus on just a few good things.

The fable is called “The Fox and the Cat.” Here is the story: A fox boasted to a cat one day about how sly and wily he was. “I have got all kinds of tricks,” the fox said. “For example, whenever I hear the dogs coming, I know a hundred different ways to escape.”

The cat was impressed and humbly said, “Your cleverness is amazing. As for me, I have only one way to escape, and that is to climb up a tree. I know it is not as exciting as all of your ways, but it works for me. Maybe someday you could show me some of your different escape routes.”

The fox smiled smugly, “Well, friend, perhaps I will have some free time one of these days, and I will show you a trick or two.”

Shortly afterward, the fox and the cat heard a pack of hounds approaching. “They are coming this way!”, the cat shrieked. In a flash, the cat scaled a nearby tree and hid herself in the leaves.

The fox stood there trying to decide which of his many tricks to use. Paralyzed with indecision, the fox waited too long to make his move, and the hounds pounced on him.

What have I learnt from this? Well, it reminded me of the times when I hear teachers say that they have too many “important” things to focus on that they become paralyzed and take no action at all. Confused about what is really important becomes a major source of stress on these members. Hence, I came to realize that it is important that every of my fellow middle managers and teachers need to know the answer to “What is really important?”

I may want to think that the fellow middle managers and teachers in my department are totally connected to what I am trying to accomplish together with them. I may even want to think that the “What is really important” question is easy to answer because I have communicated to them.

But the reality is that even with the many ways of communicating and even spending majority of my time in such communication through discussion, sharing and reviewing with teachers, teachers may still become frustrated.

Why is this so? I think one reason is that everyone is working in a constant state of change – where the conditions are constantly changing –just take a look at change in the individual subject syllabus and the many ministry initiated programs. Hence, I believe that it is a must for me to keep the really important goal(s) for my department. Like just what one of my school leaders said – focus on just a few good things! I have to identify the overriding goals that will ultimately determine my department’s success and keep my team focused on these main things. Change of direction if necessary, so long as everyone is on the same track and understands that the change will help them accomplish what is really important. Put my focus on just these few goals… that is where I will get results.