Learning to Ask

I could not have made this decision, with all its school leaders and middle managers around during the validation meeting, without the team leader who’s honest, open questions created a space that invited me to speak and allowed me to hear it.

Such questioning may sound easy. But many people, including myself, have trouble framing questions that are not advice in disguise. “Have you thought about seeing an expert on the matter?” which I cite as not an honest, open question.. The reason I think so is because the question serves my needs, not yours, pressing others towards my version of your problem and its solution instead of evoking your true thoughts. I think I will need to learn how to ask questions that make the other, especially the shy ones to speak up, not shut up.

So, what do I gather are the marks of an honest, open question? An honest question, as I understand is one I can ask without possibly being able to say to myself. “I know the right answer to this question, and I sure hope you give it to me” – which is of course what I am doing above when I asked you to see an expert. And this is a dishonest question because of my assuming that I know what you need, which was to seek advice from experts.

So what will be an honest question? – for example, “Have you ever had an experience that felt like your current situation? or “Did you learn from your prior experience that you feel is useful to you now?” – But why are these honest questions? This is because there is no way for me to imagine what the “right answer” might be. In this way, people are more willing to speak its truth in response to questions like these because they harbor no hidden agenda.

Such questioning can then be led on with an open question that expands rather than restricts the area of exploration, one that does not push towards a particular way of framing a situation. “How do you feel about the experience you just described?” is an example of an open question while question such as “Why do you seem so sad?” is not.

Often I hear of advice given “to use the language the speaker use”. I however, believe otherwise and will not just use the language the speaker uses. Instead, I try to pay close attention not only to the words spoken, but also the body language which may be more telling, so that I can ask questions that invite them to probe what they may already know but have not yet fully explained. For example, “What did you mean when you said that you felt….” might help you discover other feelings - if they are there and if they are really to name them.

In my own struggle to learn to ask honest, open questions, I find it helpful to bear in mind that the best way to make sure that my questions will welcome others to answer is to ask them with an honest, open way. And the best way to cultivate this way is to remind myself regularly to be “non-assuming” of others so that others will trust you and so be more forthcoming.